You always asked and i never felt, I gave you good enough reasons of why it happened. So because you wanted to know I can finally sum up why i was with my ex husband, without exploiting too much information:
I put the blame on us being young.
I was young and i loved to love, and when you love to love its impossible to separate the act of loving, from the person that you're actually suppose to love.
I think that is why me and him was too much in love with the idea of love, to actually know what our wants was. I had an (albeit naive) perspective that when you meet the right person, you fall in love, and that’s that.
I never doubted him for a minute when he showed his aggressive affection; this was what was supposed to happen. I watch the movies after all the yelling and fighting the couples came back together, so I trusted it, the process of companionship, and I let myself settle into having someone.
I remember sitting in a park alone, crying, before marrying him. I knew, deep down, that there was nothing solid about our life together, but I didn’t know what else to do. I was gonna grow in this decision and do my damn best. He was the father of my kids and it felt like the right thing to do. So weeks pass and we quickly became claustrophobic and aggressive with each other, he began to rebel against me and our relationship. Within a matter of months, things started to fall apart.
He became angry, and lied a lot of true colors started to show. I didn’t know how to process this sudden shift and blamed myself. My life went from my own, to ours, to trying to salvage what was left in any respect. It was a strange time, and although I don’t remember much of the details, I do remember it being extraordinarily painful.
I had let myself and my old hobbies go, and I’d slowly begun rejecting a lot of what was still left of the old me. we would hate and love, it was not fun at all. There was no security.
He told me incessantly that I was impossible to deal with, because i held grudges, I told him to grow balls and take care of the family. We made the points clear. A year after my ex husband was gone we tried to work it back out but it ended bad again.
By then I was strong and independent, with a great job, lots of dreams, friends, and a strong backbone in relationships. I had spent that time away processing how I had lost myself before, and I was determined to never go through that again.
But then the best thing happened: I started to feel these feelings for somebody, that I had never felt before. Real LOVE. the one that takes time to develop, the true unconditional LOVE *im crying while writing this.*
I didn’t just love the idea of (i'll call him Hero) Hero or the companionship of being together, but I adored the person that he was. Hero enjoyed the person that I was. And as I fell in love with him, they were feelings that were brand new. They were feelings of belonging, safety, passion and companionship—and they didn’t have an ounce of underlying fear. I realized that for the first time in my entire life, I was really falling in love with the right person.
Honestly though I was putting in damage, that I didn't mean to do, i just felt that if there was a little of my ex husband in a man that im dealing with I needed to let them know they are not gonna take me back down that road of control again. Leaving me to, and i'll admit, act difficult. I say difficult i mean personally i have a issue with assuming, i observe and assume the actions and the thoughts of others without ever knowing you. That is not good because i have been proven Stupid at times . Also it would lead me to solve solutions in my head without considering my limitations or considering other people feelings. The naive trust that I had so long ago got used up and beaten up by the wrong person. so I would give unnecessary obstacles to the person that i truly cared for, and Hero does not deserve it. Now I know that real relationships should be a calm sea & only cause a wave if your new and trying to know what boundaries to cross and those little waves can easily settle down to calm. When I was with my ex husband I lost myself and had to force myself to be someone that I wasn't use to. I just want my future Hero to know that I am a unconditional lover you will know who i really am and what I can do But unlike that wrong person, the MAN that Hero that will be with me, will protect everything: my happiness(family), our life together.
So if there’s one thing that I learned the hard way in all of this, it’s this:
You can't love with your mind. You have to love with your heart and soul.
Also
The hardest thing in life is choosing to walk away or to try harder.
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